Beginning of a New End

Chicken + Coke + Gajar Ka Halwa = Best Last Day EVAAA!!!


Life offered a lot of choices this year – although I like to believe that I did my best in deciding the best alternative for me, but even if I didn’t, it’s all in the past and I can do nothing to change it. That is what is exciting about a fresh new start – the old regrets get left behind. It’s true that history is what shapes us, make us who we are but it doesn’t necessarily have to dictate our present, isn’t this what we call “moving on” taking the best, leaving the rest?

Feelings make you a liability, they put you out there where you can get very easily damaged and where you can hurt others. The worst part is that feelings change all the time – they are confusing, unreliable, manipulative and messy. Nevertheless, it is these emotions that make you human. Is it not better to feel something than being numb? Before I bid adieu to my past, I want to rewind and relive a few emotions to scrutinize how I welled for myself.


NAVRAS – Nine emotions of my life, my 2010.



The most over-powering feeling of all is anger – the one that makes you its slaves, taking away your entire defense against it, attacking you off guard. An angry man knows no limits, his anger is dangerous enough to cause unredeemable damage and ultimately ends with quite a mess and a bucket full of remorse. As they say, stick and stone break bones, words often break relationships. Well, the thing about anger is that it consumes all of you, with not even a tiny rational part to contemplate the consequences of your actions. This is what happens to me, all the time. Whenever I get mad, either I get burst out or I hold back which makes me as flammable as petrol. This past year, anger has been a problem but not as big as it was a few years back. Hey, at least I’m not throwing anything, which ought to count for something, right? The angriest moments of this year? During the advertisement campaign…when I was voted the rudest person in class…fights with my brother, each and every one of them made me mad…when my cousins “forgot” to wish me on my birthday…people avoiding me, taking me for granted and the list just goes on and on and on…

Love conquers all. Love is blind. Love is patient; love is kind; love doesn’t envy... If you know not love, you know nothing at all. Tom Cruise said in Jerry McGuire “You complete me”. This is what love does – it makes you whole. It holds true not just for your lover, but for all the people – your friends, your family, your audience – who admire you, accept you, critique you, and help you being the person you are. Life takes a U-turn once you commence to love someone or when someone starts loving you – it is total upheaval of life as you know it. My roller coaster of love started with the last January 1st when I stepped into 2010 with someone who has made my life beautiful just by being in it. I like to believe how you start you year is how to spend your year and God knows I spent it loving and being loved by a lot of people.

Facing your fears is courage. Standing your ground is courage. Doing the right thing when the alternative seems more alluring is courage. Moving forward leaving the known behind, walking towards the unknown is courage. I’d call myself courageous if for once I broke the rules and did something completely inappropriate. The righteous side of me doesn’t let me go there; like I’m too afraid to be someone I’m not. I don’t “lose it”, I never “let go” since I’m too much of a coward to try. Better be safe than sorry, that’s what I’ve been told and may be I took it a little too seriously.

All the peace I have had this past year began at 6.30 sharp in the morning at the place where I board my bus from. Early in the morning when you’re half asleep, half awake, there is only one thing you can feel watching the lonely streets – tranquility. So, it’s just me and my peace of mind. I don’t talk on the way to college; I just look outside or close my eyes. It is the most quiet, calm time of my day when I can think clearly or not at all.







Jealousy works so well in movies; the girl flirts with some other guy and the guy of her dreams realizes she’s the one. In real life, jealousy is more prevailing and less noble. Even the most self-assured of us envy people for their success, happiness and accomplishments. The person who instigates this sentiment in me the most is my elder brother – the person for whom I feel more than one emotion (hate, being at the top). To be fair, he doesn’t deliberately do it. On second thoughts, he does – everything that he maneuvers is completely intentional. I often say older brothers are bullies; another truth to this one is – they get everything very easily while the rest of us have to strive hard. No one admits to it but the first child is always much more dear, not that I’m accusing anyone of being unfair to me; it is something I know and have grown use to. So yeah, I envy my brother because a) he’s a guy b) he gets sympathy and its undue advantages and c) he is everybody’s favorite. Don’t get me wrong, I like my brother (when he’s not around).      

                                                                           

                                             Disgusting. Repulsive. Revolting. Filthy. Loathe. Over time, I have felt this strong emotion for a lot of people though not for long. Call it a weakness but I have this tendency to forgive people whether they ask for it or not. Hating person is like drinking the poison and hoping he would die, which I stupid. Overcoming the feeling is better for a lot of reasons – the best of them all is that you get to move on, get rid of the negative energies inside and focus on things that are really important. In my case, I just get bored and put the feeling to rest for the better.

You can find happiness in smallest of things and the biggest of events. Happiness is a state of mind. Those who want to feel elevated will stumble on a way to bring joy in their lives and spread it to others. This has been the joyous year of my life – wandering on streets with my best friend, going for Eclipse and catching Aisha, my birthday, those online chats, meeting three of my “virtual friends”…it all has been so incredible. I have my share of laughter the past year which was, if I recall correctly, A LOT.

When did I get scared the most? When I thought I’d fail myself but most of all someone else’ expectations. I truly hate it when people expect something from me simply because it is dreadful. What if you don’t live up to those expectations? What if you let them down? What if you disappoint them? The pressure is just too much and the stakes are too high – someone is counting you to come through a winner. Knowing that you are losing something, something very close to your heart is the worst kind of fear. I’m terrified, petrified, scared witless because I know I’m getting detached to my love of writing – I’ve already parted with my dream to be a writer; now writing is just a job. You think you know where you are heading but the paths change as you walk; they lead you someplace you never thought you would find yourself; the destination changes and so do you. That is terror – not knowing what you want anymore, a free fall. Nevertheless, as long as you’re walking, you’ll reach somewhere…




Surprise surprise! It won’t be a shocker to people who know me that I’m horrible, pathetic, awfully awful in giving surprises. I’ll get a birthday gift for a friend and tell him the same day what I got if he persisted. There is this small funny incident I just have to write about so as to make me laugh in future. It was my best friend’s birthday and I had planned a lot of surprises. The first few ones were carried out beautifully – I had bought many gifts (small and big) and asked her sister to plant so that she discovers them time after time the whole morning. First one was placed on her bed at midnight, the next one in her car which she was supposed to drive the next morning and the third one in her bag. My mom gave her the last gift when she came by to pick me up. So, everything went smoothly till then. Next was a part we had planned and that was the bummer. I don’t know how, seriously no clue how, but she knew when we arrived at the venue. And to top it all, one of the guests screamed at the top of her voice “Where are others? I thought we were having a party.” DOOMED. Finally, the birthday girl said “I know about the party”. From her birthday to mine, I got a lot of gifts that day and it was the happiest day of my life (if we don’t count the day my niece was born). Oh, how much I loved being the centre of attention. When some unexpected visitors landed with yet another chocolate cake, I was over-whelmed with joy – beyond doubt grateful that I was born. Since we are talking about surprises, two more stories from this year. It was 4th of October and my cousin was going to surprise with an unexpected visit from UK which everyone had inkling about in any case but he missed his flight – talk about surprises. And the last instance from the surprise bag was the time we planned to catch the newest Twilight movie Eclipse and my friends took me for Aisha instead. Swear to God I didn’t get suspicious even after we were in the theatre – they let me think it was Eclipse and I was shouting “We’re in the wrong theatre” while they were at their seats, enjoying popcorn.

                                  







It was one heck of a year – won some, lost some. Whatever it was, it is all gone. The dates have changed, the year has changed yet it doesn’t feel any different. May be it wasn’t an end after all and perhaps the beginning isn’t dominated by numbers. May be, just may be, it is your prerogative to decide whether or not you want a beginning; I don’t.