Dreaming, Again!

Since I started sleeping late, I have started dreaming. Bizarre, to the sense of the word, is how I can describe these dreams. Finding myself in the weirdest of situations doing completely moronic things, it’s a nice change from the former dreamless nights. The best part about dreaming is that you don’t remember it the next day (or the same afternoon, which is the case here) but I still sense it – the out of the ordinary circumstances, doing eccentric things in each of the dreams and still differently – not one dream matches the other in any way with just one exception – I’m moving, running, going somewhere. There is no knowing if I do get there; just one thing I can say for certain: it is definitely reflecting what’s on my mind. ;-)

Just A Dream?

I’m somewhere and I can’t get back home. The feeling has been haunting me in my dreams. Like something is really wrong with the situation I’m in and there is no way go turn around and run. Funny part is once reality closes in, it’s all happy and glowing and shining. It is just those flashes I get all day long of the dream that suggest otherwise. It says I’m trapped. Well, you don’t remember your dreams, or nightmares for the matter, after you wake up but I guess the almonds are doing the trick. If I try really hard, I get just a gist of what’s happening to me in my dreams. Like last night, I couldn’t flag a cab; the metro station was right where I was standing but for some reason I was still, unmoving, frozen. And before that, I was someplace away from home and I could sense danger. So, if I’m deducing these dreams right, I have impending doom around the corner, waiting to sneak up to me and blow me apart. Or, I’m just really creative. 

Beginning of a New End

Chicken + Coke + Gajar Ka Halwa = Best Last Day EVAAA!!!


Life offered a lot of choices this year – although I like to believe that I did my best in deciding the best alternative for me, but even if I didn’t, it’s all in the past and I can do nothing to change it. That is what is exciting about a fresh new start – the old regrets get left behind. It’s true that history is what shapes us, make us who we are but it doesn’t necessarily have to dictate our present, isn’t this what we call “moving on” taking the best, leaving the rest?

Feelings make you a liability, they put you out there where you can get very easily damaged and where you can hurt others. The worst part is that feelings change all the time – they are confusing, unreliable, manipulative and messy. Nevertheless, it is these emotions that make you human. Is it not better to feel something than being numb? Before I bid adieu to my past, I want to rewind and relive a few emotions to scrutinize how I welled for myself.


NAVRAS – Nine emotions of my life, my 2010.



The most over-powering feeling of all is anger – the one that makes you its slaves, taking away your entire defense against it, attacking you off guard. An angry man knows no limits, his anger is dangerous enough to cause unredeemable damage and ultimately ends with quite a mess and a bucket full of remorse. As they say, stick and stone break bones, words often break relationships. Well, the thing about anger is that it consumes all of you, with not even a tiny rational part to contemplate the consequences of your actions. This is what happens to me, all the time. Whenever I get mad, either I get burst out or I hold back which makes me as flammable as petrol. This past year, anger has been a problem but not as big as it was a few years back. Hey, at least I’m not throwing anything, which ought to count for something, right? The angriest moments of this year? During the advertisement campaign…when I was voted the rudest person in class…fights with my brother, each and every one of them made me mad…when my cousins “forgot” to wish me on my birthday…people avoiding me, taking me for granted and the list just goes on and on and on…

Love conquers all. Love is blind. Love is patient; love is kind; love doesn’t envy... If you know not love, you know nothing at all. Tom Cruise said in Jerry McGuire “You complete me”. This is what love does – it makes you whole. It holds true not just for your lover, but for all the people – your friends, your family, your audience – who admire you, accept you, critique you, and help you being the person you are. Life takes a U-turn once you commence to love someone or when someone starts loving you – it is total upheaval of life as you know it. My roller coaster of love started with the last January 1st when I stepped into 2010 with someone who has made my life beautiful just by being in it. I like to believe how you start you year is how to spend your year and God knows I spent it loving and being loved by a lot of people.

Facing your fears is courage. Standing your ground is courage. Doing the right thing when the alternative seems more alluring is courage. Moving forward leaving the known behind, walking towards the unknown is courage. I’d call myself courageous if for once I broke the rules and did something completely inappropriate. The righteous side of me doesn’t let me go there; like I’m too afraid to be someone I’m not. I don’t “lose it”, I never “let go” since I’m too much of a coward to try. Better be safe than sorry, that’s what I’ve been told and may be I took it a little too seriously.

All the peace I have had this past year began at 6.30 sharp in the morning at the place where I board my bus from. Early in the morning when you’re half asleep, half awake, there is only one thing you can feel watching the lonely streets – tranquility. So, it’s just me and my peace of mind. I don’t talk on the way to college; I just look outside or close my eyes. It is the most quiet, calm time of my day when I can think clearly or not at all.







Jealousy works so well in movies; the girl flirts with some other guy and the guy of her dreams realizes she’s the one. In real life, jealousy is more prevailing and less noble. Even the most self-assured of us envy people for their success, happiness and accomplishments. The person who instigates this sentiment in me the most is my elder brother – the person for whom I feel more than one emotion (hate, being at the top). To be fair, he doesn’t deliberately do it. On second thoughts, he does – everything that he maneuvers is completely intentional. I often say older brothers are bullies; another truth to this one is – they get everything very easily while the rest of us have to strive hard. No one admits to it but the first child is always much more dear, not that I’m accusing anyone of being unfair to me; it is something I know and have grown use to. So yeah, I envy my brother because a) he’s a guy b) he gets sympathy and its undue advantages and c) he is everybody’s favorite. Don’t get me wrong, I like my brother (when he’s not around).      

                                                                           

                                             Disgusting. Repulsive. Revolting. Filthy. Loathe. Over time, I have felt this strong emotion for a lot of people though not for long. Call it a weakness but I have this tendency to forgive people whether they ask for it or not. Hating person is like drinking the poison and hoping he would die, which I stupid. Overcoming the feeling is better for a lot of reasons – the best of them all is that you get to move on, get rid of the negative energies inside and focus on things that are really important. In my case, I just get bored and put the feeling to rest for the better.

You can find happiness in smallest of things and the biggest of events. Happiness is a state of mind. Those who want to feel elevated will stumble on a way to bring joy in their lives and spread it to others. This has been the joyous year of my life – wandering on streets with my best friend, going for Eclipse and catching Aisha, my birthday, those online chats, meeting three of my “virtual friends”…it all has been so incredible. I have my share of laughter the past year which was, if I recall correctly, A LOT.

When did I get scared the most? When I thought I’d fail myself but most of all someone else’ expectations. I truly hate it when people expect something from me simply because it is dreadful. What if you don’t live up to those expectations? What if you let them down? What if you disappoint them? The pressure is just too much and the stakes are too high – someone is counting you to come through a winner. Knowing that you are losing something, something very close to your heart is the worst kind of fear. I’m terrified, petrified, scared witless because I know I’m getting detached to my love of writing – I’ve already parted with my dream to be a writer; now writing is just a job. You think you know where you are heading but the paths change as you walk; they lead you someplace you never thought you would find yourself; the destination changes and so do you. That is terror – not knowing what you want anymore, a free fall. Nevertheless, as long as you’re walking, you’ll reach somewhere…




Surprise surprise! It won’t be a shocker to people who know me that I’m horrible, pathetic, awfully awful in giving surprises. I’ll get a birthday gift for a friend and tell him the same day what I got if he persisted. There is this small funny incident I just have to write about so as to make me laugh in future. It was my best friend’s birthday and I had planned a lot of surprises. The first few ones were carried out beautifully – I had bought many gifts (small and big) and asked her sister to plant so that she discovers them time after time the whole morning. First one was placed on her bed at midnight, the next one in her car which she was supposed to drive the next morning and the third one in her bag. My mom gave her the last gift when she came by to pick me up. So, everything went smoothly till then. Next was a part we had planned and that was the bummer. I don’t know how, seriously no clue how, but she knew when we arrived at the venue. And to top it all, one of the guests screamed at the top of her voice “Where are others? I thought we were having a party.” DOOMED. Finally, the birthday girl said “I know about the party”. From her birthday to mine, I got a lot of gifts that day and it was the happiest day of my life (if we don’t count the day my niece was born). Oh, how much I loved being the centre of attention. When some unexpected visitors landed with yet another chocolate cake, I was over-whelmed with joy – beyond doubt grateful that I was born. Since we are talking about surprises, two more stories from this year. It was 4th of October and my cousin was going to surprise with an unexpected visit from UK which everyone had inkling about in any case but he missed his flight – talk about surprises. And the last instance from the surprise bag was the time we planned to catch the newest Twilight movie Eclipse and my friends took me for Aisha instead. Swear to God I didn’t get suspicious even after we were in the theatre – they let me think it was Eclipse and I was shouting “We’re in the wrong theatre” while they were at their seats, enjoying popcorn.

                                  







It was one heck of a year – won some, lost some. Whatever it was, it is all gone. The dates have changed, the year has changed yet it doesn’t feel any different. May be it wasn’t an end after all and perhaps the beginning isn’t dominated by numbers. May be, just may be, it is your prerogative to decide whether or not you want a beginning; I don’t.

I can’t see it, but I believe it exists…


The wind makes me happy. When I’m at the bus stop, listening to my Ipod, waiting for the bus to arrive in cold weather and wind blows exactly in my direction, touches my hair and disturbs my perfect hair-do, and makes me shiver, it delights me. I sing with the wind, making sure no one is listening to my funny voice, not giving a damn if anyone is at all at the street, I am free.

I happen to believe in miracles as much as I believe in God. Things happen to me all the time – they make me realize how easy it is to be sure, how invincible I am sometimes, and how grateful you can truly be. When my best friend calls me up, informs me she’s at my door...When my father gets me a chocolate just because he felt like it...When they play my favorite movie on some channel. The small things that bring smile to your face – those are the things worth living for. I believe some things just happen, without a reason, without you wishing for them. The complaints, the despair vanishes and for that one moment, one hour or one day, you can’t fathom how, but you get what you desired, deserved – to smile. I do believe in miracles - never got a reason not to.

I have a connection with God. He likes to me to an extent that I believe I’m his favorite child. He keeps me healthy, grants me wishes everyday. When I don’t want to work – I’m not obligated to. When I pray I don’t miss my bus, I don’t. When I wish for a good day for me and for someone else, which is everyday (I hope you don’t get bored of my daily wishing for the same thing), he listens. Sometimes, it comes true, sometimes – not so much. Not that I blame him – I’m enjoying a pretty simple life as compared to those around me- it is a piece of cake. I accept that - acknowledge and appreciate it.

Some things no one can explain – some things are better left undiscovered. You can be skeptic all you like but the truth is being a cynic only makes a situation worse. Asking questions get answers but I have a belief that there exists a supernatural power, and I won’t consider otherwise. I rather be stupid than be a non-believer.


At dawn, when wind blows to my face, makes me happy, I assume I’d have a good day, great even. A happy beginning is all I need to make my day beautiful; an assurance that today nothing and no one would do anything to hurt me, I would get back with the same smile I left with.

SOMETIMES WE ALL NEED SAVING

I can manage the clouds but I can’t fight an eclipse.


Ever felt like you were drowning on dry land? The world around is fading and you just can’t breathe? All the attempts of swimming to the shore are in vain because there is no water, no shore and you don’t know how to swim. Nevertheless, you keep your eyes wide open and call out for help because surrender is not an option, it is a compulsion.

The beginning of the journey was a dream, a happily ever after. Somewhere along the way, everything changed; sun was replaced by clouds, roses by thorns. Going back became impossible and ahead, it is a never ending, never turning road leading to nowhere. Then came the time to stop, to give up and let the things be. What good could it do anyway? It feels so much better to quit because all you can do is quit. There’s no chance of getting out of this pit so here’s what you do – you cease all you efforts and wait for death. After a point, when nothing can be done, despair takes over giving way to numbness, zeroness. Beyond the reach of anyone; the darkness is consuming. The fierce shadows of the past are haunting every sense of the living, prying above the head, making every breath a mistake. I close my eyes and pray for the end.

The voice somewhere is urging me to pull myself up and fix what is broken. A hand is trying to reach me to get me out of my own personal hell and my reluctance only encourages it more. There is a fire, a passion to save me, to make me want to fight again. A rage I do not understand but can’t help but get into. The exit was always that way, just no one to tell me how to get through. This may be time to wake up.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you least expect it to and what seemed like a full stop, becomes comma. When you have a sign of DNR - Do Not Resuscitate, life gives you another chance. May be sometimes we need someone to remind us, what it means to be alive.

Something Gotto Give

I m a rock.

I m hardcore.

I m Cristina.

I never wanted to leave Delhi. It was my birth place, my hometown. I was comfortable and now when I think about it, I often wonder what life would have been there. Shifting was like uprooting me from one place I belonged. Taking away everything - friends, school, people I knew, plans I had. I had never been alone in my life, now I knew what it felt like. The shell I had, closed on everyone and I just couldn’t adjust anywhere. I was bloody comfortable to notice how bounded I was and when the realization struck, I was in a mess. I landed in a school I hated, people I knew nothing about and place I couldn’t fit in. This is still my status. Fours years after bad schooling, I m still the same blocked person I was when I came here with just one minor change, its college this time.

My first day at school was horrifying. I was late, missed prayer, everyone was so weird and I was a stranger. And to top it all, my funny voice. People teased me back home of the peculiar sound that comes out of my esophagus when I speak. I hated it so much when I was the centre of attention when I spoke, laughed or sang. It made me all the more self conscious. (Now I just snap at anyone who dares to make fun of it, no matter who it is.) So, I didn’t make new friends, didn’t even talk to anyone much and it was atrocious enduring it all alone. The worst time was lunch. I just didn’t know what to do, where to go. But I guess people were nice enough to take me out and sit with me. I was still lonely and an outsider. I had never felt so abandoned. Next morning, I had to drag myself off the bed and I was nearly in tears till the time I got ready. How much I wished I was better dead but that phase passed, later I just wished for some disease. The nastiest part was I couldn’t discuss it with anyone. I was too stubborn to admit how troubled I was.

Things got better, I made friends eventually and school sucked a little less. Then came a time, when I was enjoying, which had never occurred to me as a possibility because I’d never thought of my life here less than miserable. I don’t regret relocating to Gurgaon. How can I when I got much more than I left behind? Life is good here.

School was done with, next stop was college. I had big hopes from my college life. You know you see in movies how high school is awful for some and college is like the dream come true? Yeah, mine was not the case. I really don’t like my college. I try to believe ‘I belong here’ but I m sinking. I don’t know what I hate about my college particularly but it doesn’t feel right; doesn’t feel me. I m compelling myself to give it another shot everyday just like school, trying to like it just like school, and wishing for a disease all the same. What goes around comes around; life goes full circles.

Memories fade, it’s a human thing. I can’t recall most of my old life. It just left me when I stopped thinking about it. That’s how you move on - when you stop caring about histories, present takes over and past is better off. I wish I could put yesterday behind and start over.

I m not a rock, I m not hardcore and I wish I was Cristina.

LET THE TRUTH STING

“Did I say that out loud?” I’ve been trying to learn when, where, what to say but I’m such a sucker at it. I might know that I shouldn’t but lying is bad, right? And sometimes truth is all we have. I feel guilty when I lie, I feel horrible when I tell the truth. What the hell is wrong with me? Why for the love of God I’m even talking? Can’t I just keep it to myself and not say anything for once? Shut the hell up. You just don’t say certain things.

It has always been like that. Since birth, I say things which get others in trouble. I did some pretty bizarre things when I was a kid. Once in a party someone asked one of my cousin where my mother was, she lied (yeah people lie all the time and teach us kids to tell the truth) saying she wasn’t home yet (my mother works). Me being me uttered that she was. Then we were asked some questions and I made it impossible for my cousin to lie conveniently. I was made fun of so much that day. Well we grow up and life teaches us how important it is to lie, not every time but yeah one should know when to use that technique. I guess I learned that but someone forgot to teach me when to just not say anything. I mean how can I be so careless when I speak? Once or twice I’ve got someone in serious mess by just making a conversation. Never have I lied in these scenarios but lying would have been better. No, keeping quiet would have been just perfect. But I can't do that, can I?

I know I mean no harm but its done who does it matter if it was intended or not? People get hurt then I feel ashamed and that bloody guilty conscious. People say that I m a nice person and how much I wish the opposite. I don’t want to be a good person if it means that I cant make mistakes and screw up sometimes. Only bad people have the right to rectify their mistakes, mistakes that good people aren’t allowed to commit in the first place.