SOMETIMES WE ALL NEED SAVING

I can manage the clouds but I can’t fight an eclipse.


Ever felt like you were drowning on dry land? The world around is fading and you just can’t breathe? All the attempts of swimming to the shore are in vain because there is no water, no shore and you don’t know how to swim. Nevertheless, you keep your eyes wide open and call out for help because surrender is not an option, it is a compulsion.

The beginning of the journey was a dream, a happily ever after. Somewhere along the way, everything changed; sun was replaced by clouds, roses by thorns. Going back became impossible and ahead, it is a never ending, never turning road leading to nowhere. Then came the time to stop, to give up and let the things be. What good could it do anyway? It feels so much better to quit because all you can do is quit. There’s no chance of getting out of this pit so here’s what you do – you cease all you efforts and wait for death. After a point, when nothing can be done, despair takes over giving way to numbness, zeroness. Beyond the reach of anyone; the darkness is consuming. The fierce shadows of the past are haunting every sense of the living, prying above the head, making every breath a mistake. I close my eyes and pray for the end.

The voice somewhere is urging me to pull myself up and fix what is broken. A hand is trying to reach me to get me out of my own personal hell and my reluctance only encourages it more. There is a fire, a passion to save me, to make me want to fight again. A rage I do not understand but can’t help but get into. The exit was always that way, just no one to tell me how to get through. This may be time to wake up.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you least expect it to and what seemed like a full stop, becomes comma. When you have a sign of DNR - Do Not Resuscitate, life gives you another chance. May be sometimes we need someone to remind us, what it means to be alive.

Something Gotto Give

I m a rock.

I m hardcore.

I m Cristina.

I never wanted to leave Delhi. It was my birth place, my hometown. I was comfortable and now when I think about it, I often wonder what life would have been there. Shifting was like uprooting me from one place I belonged. Taking away everything - friends, school, people I knew, plans I had. I had never been alone in my life, now I knew what it felt like. The shell I had, closed on everyone and I just couldn’t adjust anywhere. I was bloody comfortable to notice how bounded I was and when the realization struck, I was in a mess. I landed in a school I hated, people I knew nothing about and place I couldn’t fit in. This is still my status. Fours years after bad schooling, I m still the same blocked person I was when I came here with just one minor change, its college this time.

My first day at school was horrifying. I was late, missed prayer, everyone was so weird and I was a stranger. And to top it all, my funny voice. People teased me back home of the peculiar sound that comes out of my esophagus when I speak. I hated it so much when I was the centre of attention when I spoke, laughed or sang. It made me all the more self conscious. (Now I just snap at anyone who dares to make fun of it, no matter who it is.) So, I didn’t make new friends, didn’t even talk to anyone much and it was atrocious enduring it all alone. The worst time was lunch. I just didn’t know what to do, where to go. But I guess people were nice enough to take me out and sit with me. I was still lonely and an outsider. I had never felt so abandoned. Next morning, I had to drag myself off the bed and I was nearly in tears till the time I got ready. How much I wished I was better dead but that phase passed, later I just wished for some disease. The nastiest part was I couldn’t discuss it with anyone. I was too stubborn to admit how troubled I was.

Things got better, I made friends eventually and school sucked a little less. Then came a time, when I was enjoying, which had never occurred to me as a possibility because I’d never thought of my life here less than miserable. I don’t regret relocating to Gurgaon. How can I when I got much more than I left behind? Life is good here.

School was done with, next stop was college. I had big hopes from my college life. You know you see in movies how high school is awful for some and college is like the dream come true? Yeah, mine was not the case. I really don’t like my college. I try to believe ‘I belong here’ but I m sinking. I don’t know what I hate about my college particularly but it doesn’t feel right; doesn’t feel me. I m compelling myself to give it another shot everyday just like school, trying to like it just like school, and wishing for a disease all the same. What goes around comes around; life goes full circles.

Memories fade, it’s a human thing. I can’t recall most of my old life. It just left me when I stopped thinking about it. That’s how you move on - when you stop caring about histories, present takes over and past is better off. I wish I could put yesterday behind and start over.

I m not a rock, I m not hardcore and I wish I was Cristina.

LET THE TRUTH STING

“Did I say that out loud?” I’ve been trying to learn when, where, what to say but I’m such a sucker at it. I might know that I shouldn’t but lying is bad, right? And sometimes truth is all we have. I feel guilty when I lie, I feel horrible when I tell the truth. What the hell is wrong with me? Why for the love of God I’m even talking? Can’t I just keep it to myself and not say anything for once? Shut the hell up. You just don’t say certain things.

It has always been like that. Since birth, I say things which get others in trouble. I did some pretty bizarre things when I was a kid. Once in a party someone asked one of my cousin where my mother was, she lied (yeah people lie all the time and teach us kids to tell the truth) saying she wasn’t home yet (my mother works). Me being me uttered that she was. Then we were asked some questions and I made it impossible for my cousin to lie conveniently. I was made fun of so much that day. Well we grow up and life teaches us how important it is to lie, not every time but yeah one should know when to use that technique. I guess I learned that but someone forgot to teach me when to just not say anything. I mean how can I be so careless when I speak? Once or twice I’ve got someone in serious mess by just making a conversation. Never have I lied in these scenarios but lying would have been better. No, keeping quiet would have been just perfect. But I can't do that, can I?

I know I mean no harm but its done who does it matter if it was intended or not? People get hurt then I feel ashamed and that bloody guilty conscious. People say that I m a nice person and how much I wish the opposite. I don’t want to be a good person if it means that I cant make mistakes and screw up sometimes. Only bad people have the right to rectify their mistakes, mistakes that good people aren’t allowed to commit in the first place.

Hell was full so I’m back!!!

Its Wednesday and I’m home again. Just finished an article and I have to write two more. Also one book report and one research. It’s raining work!!! I like it when people write my articles. I have got some great remarks from my teacher on my “flawless writing”. Feels awesome but I always take help. Some quotes I remember from a show or a book or some lines from a song and kind. And it makes me guilty that I steal words and work them up my way in my writing.

College is not-so-boring after all. Yeah it is a little slow but at least we are not over burdened like my other friends. At least we are not sleep deprived. The worst part of choosing a college so far is that I have to get up at 5.30 in the morning. That is the one thing I detest the most. Getting up early in the morning has never been my cup of tea. That’s the only reason I miss college so much. Early mornings make me sick. And then the bus journey of almost 1.5 hours. I m so glad I have my ipod and phone. Never been so thankful before. I read twilight and listen to songs all the while thanking my good kismet (it’s an English word. Seriously!!!). Another first time – reading three newspapers. We need to be aware of the happenings around the world and also be able to differentiate between different papers, their policies, target audience basically media analysis. It’s a media thing.

Our class is so exciting. Full of controversies. Its like everyday we have a “Breaking News”. I dont get much involved but everyone enjoys a little gossip. I m sure as I write here something interesting is going on there. Last week we were thrown out of the class because it was our formal day(2 days a week – Monday and Thursday) and girls didn’t have duppattas and guys were lacking ties. They are very strict about these rules. It was my first official bunk. We went to Crowne Plaza and spent the day at McD. Fun. And the other day, I boarded the wrong bus and landed up traveling in an auto to reach Maasi’s place. Fun again. But it’s not so fun when lectures are boring and you are alone in your free time. Not that I don’t like being alone, it’s just that people stare at you and think you are miserable. Its creepy.

I have been thinking to write for so long but all the free time I have, I spend it in reading twilight. Twilight is like air to me now. Cant go without reading or thinking about it. it’s the best series ever. I LUBH IT. Twilight nahi padhi toh kya padha?

Expected is just the beginning, unexpected is what changes our lives.

Seriously!!! It has been a while since I posted last. I m trying really hard to complete just one article but the time is not on my side. Sunday was a day of joys, cheers and full on masti. I had so much to write on but unfortunately my result came on Wednesday taking away all the ecstasy. It was so bloody bad. Then I thought may be I could pull my thoughts on my result and how angry and upset I was but what the hell that feeling also passed. It was gone with the wind. Everyone got my spirits up and yet again I wasn’t able to make use of my emotion. Damn!!!

Wow!!! I was in “aw” when I came back from Ambience on Sunday. It was such an awesome experience. It was the day of debut of my Table Tennis career. Let me make it clear, I play well(:D). And the food was fantastic. My friend’s mother makes the best sambhar chawal I have ever had. And then it was time for us to visit the mall. To be precise I had a blast, we all did. And I captured every single moment of the day. Cam in my phone sucks so had to borrow theirs and my friends were annoyed by my photography but I know now they must be thanking me. I SO ROCK!!! I did not even have a slightest clue that our result would come so soon and wash away all these wonderful memories. Ok I didn’t score well and it depressed me for days. It’s just a stupid, stupid exam. It cant decide and determine my capabilities. SCREW YOU. As MTV said, CBSE is Collective Bunch of Silly Examiners. They did upset me but I’m still confident of myself and I don’t need their evaluation for that. So again, SCREW YOU.

Before result, I made a small note in my phone on what I need to post this time. It had something I kept telling my friends. It was that I was not scared about the result and I should have been. I read somewhere once that its good to be scared as it means you have something to lose (yeah I dint read it was said by one of my grey’s anatomy character). I was very scared because I was not scared and I told the same to my friend just a night before and I was right. Well, what has happened has happened. The funny thing is I was supposed to compete with my genius brother (90 types) and after viewing my result I was like “What was I thinking?” I was naïve to envy him but he’s perfect and I might not accept it (I have a big ego) but somewhere deep deep down, I wanna be like him. He never talks rubbish, he is firm and everybody loves his “idealness”. I know he won’t read this blog so I can write without admitting it anyway. I know I sometimes say to myself that I hate him when he’s rude or doesn’t reply or dominate me but I don’t. he’s my brother and I know he is always there for me even if he don’t say it. I hope some day we’ll share the same relationship we had as kids.

So result is over and gone are the days of school. I am officially a high school pass out. Woopppiieee!!!! Congo to all those who are 12^th grads and if you dint get the expected result, remember God intended it and something great is gonna come up… that’s what everybody keep telling me. :D

Hey I’ve got 5 followers. Yiippiiee!!! But what do guys follow here? When I write rubbish, I get comments and when my posts are rational, people overlook them. HUH!!!

Change - Stepping From Old To New

I am going to complete my 18 years of life soon and I realized I don’t have a perfect day yet. I’ve bad days, better days, good days and great days but not a “perfect day”. There has not been a day I remember I was happy all day long without even one moment of worry or anger or distress or nightmares. I don’t have my perfect day. Or it’s possible that I don’t remember it. Either case, I need a “Perfect Day” to cherish all my life.

So much has changed since many last year’s posts. I m through with my boards, have grown a little wiser and I’m back on orkut. I don’t really know if it was a wise decision but what the hell there’s always a “Delete Account” option. I said in one of my posts that I would never miss my school, which holds false now. I think I'm gonna miss it pretty bad. Good or bad, I spent 4 years there. No one can forget their high school in particular. It shapes the real us. It makes us what we are and defines what we are gonna be.

Changes if we are talking about then Kis Desh also became one of my disappointment. Why god why???? Joey style. Joey, Joseph Tribianni from FRIENDS. Moving on, I think I'm more of myself now. A long back I promised myself I wouldn’t cry as I always believed tears make you weak. Be it any movie, situation or anything I would hold back. It didn't work and I couldn’t really keep it. Well, promises are meant to be broken. Intentionally or unintentionally, they roll down my eyes many times.Its okay to cry. No big deal. Actually, its better to let them flow. Feels better, trust me.

Also now I know what I am supposed to do. In life I mean. I finally have a “lakshaya” and I’m hoping I get a good college to make it through. There is a really long list of things that have changed but its better to keep it short. So winding up, the most important change is that I’m bigger person now. I believed in revenge seeking but now I think its better to let go and move on. Forgive and forget. Forgetting things is my forte and Meredith once said that without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal.

This is my first post for 2009. It should be perfect.

ME ON GREY'S ANATOMY

CAST OF GREY'S ANATOMY

I started watching a show few months ago about doctors and now how I wish I had taken biology. This is the impact that show had on me. The show named GREY’S ANATOMY impressed me so damn much that I actually want to be a doctor.

Seriously. It’s not just a “show”. It’s a show where people save lives. It’s a show where Izzie killed her fiancé. It’s a show where Meredith and Derek are on and off their relationship almost every day. It’s a show where George marries Callie and divorces her in months. It’s a show where Alex is a complete jerk. It’s a show where Christina and burke are completely perfect for each other. It’s a show with Dr. Bailey. It’s a show where Meredith tried to drown herself because her Alzheimer patient mom called her ordinary. It’s a show where burke left Christina at the altar when they were about to marry. It’s a show with Meredith and Derek. It’s a show with love, relationship, comedy, and work.

MEREDITH(ELLEN POMPEO) AND DEREK(PATRICK DIMPSEY)

Derek is the real charm of the show. Played by Patrick Dempsey, Derek is a neurosurgeon whose wife cheats on him with his best friend and he falls in love with Meredith. He believes in love, happy endings and fairy tales. Derek is too good to be true. He’s a perfect man. Meredith. She’s a perfect human. She makes mistakes and more mistakes and some more mistakes. I just could not take her dumping Derek. I mean she has her prince charming and she says “you are everywhere, saying things.” People can be so dumb. Even Addison, ex-wife of Derek calls Meredith stupid for leaving Derek. She’s experienced. I was really impressed with season 4. it showed step sister of Meredith, Lexie grey. George had to repeat his internship as he failed his exams by 1 point. now that is rude. Then the cases in SEATTLE GRACE HOSPITAL are fantabulous. Then we see Dr. Haun haunting Cristina since burke left. Apparently burke was Cristina’s mentor and fiancé. He was teaching her about cardio and when he left, it kinda screwed it all for Cristina yang. Bailey, chief, mark sloan(the male whore as everyone called him) best friend of Derek and so many surprises. Lexie and Meredith were so great. Meredith doesn’t like her as her father chose Lexie on Meredith. When Derek calls Lexie as “the girl from the bar” it kind of makes Meredith mad. Meredith and Derek met at a bar and Lexie and Derek met at the same place an year later. Lexie was the intern of Cristina and she bullied her coz Meredith is Cristina’s “person”. They both are best of friends and quite alike. Both are messy.


The finale of season 4 was a big, big, big surprise. Derek and Meredith ended up together. Derek dumped rose(he was dating her). Meredith learns that her mother wanted her to learn from her and be extraordinary as a person. George gets a second chance to pass his intern exams. Bailey gave the clinic to Izzie. Danny (her fiancé) left her 8 million dollars and she gave it up for a free clinic.

Happy endings for everyone…

Season 5 is still left for me to see. I downloaded season 4 as it still hasn’t aired in India. People have done such great acting that it doesn’t looks like a show. It seems so real.

The scene where Meredith drowns and Derek saves her was wow! In those two episodes, Meredith tries to find out why she let her drown being a swimmer in an after life sort of thing. She sees Denny’s , the bomb man, her mother’s nurse, her dog doc and one of her patients. All dead. Denny particularly makes her realize its important for her to live and she cant abandon her life. Not for herself, but for cristina, Derek and her friends. Denny tells her that he stays in the hospital and sometimes when he and izzie are in the same room, his heart beat goes up. Then at the end they show izzie and danny feeling each other’s presence. I hate creatives for killing Denny. Derek told meredith’s mother that she was the reason Meredith tried to die whom was admitted in the same hospital (life, BY GOD!!!) , coz she called her ordinary and then her mother dies. Meredith meets her and she tells her that she anything but ordinary. Then she runs for her life and gets inside her body.

IZZIE AND DENNY

Denny’s death was shocking. He came to seattle grace for a heart transplant and fell in love with izzie. Izzie in order to make him get the heart, cut his LVAD wire. He got the heart but somehow he dies. Izzie could not recover from the shock. Katherine heigl (izzie but ofcourse) was amazing in the scene.

The last scene of season 4 was worth dying for. Mer and der come back together don’t ask how. Long story. Derek was searching for Meredith and Meredith for Derek. They meet on derek’s land. Derek planned to build a house for him and Meredith when they were together but they broke up and he wanted to sell the land. Meredith decorated the land just as the blueprint of the house with candles. Derek comes and they share a moment then he runs and tells her that in order to be with her, he needs to make his conscious clear and tell Rose about it.

Beside great scenes and storyline, grey has breathtaking dialogues and wonderfully weird names. Like they call Derek mcdreamy, Mark Sloan mcsteamy, Bailey nazi, George 007(license to kill) etc etc...

Some of the quotes-:

Miranda Bailey:I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not gonna change.

Denny Duquette:I've been lying in this bed for close to a year, and I've had a lot of time to look back on my life. And the things that I remember best – those are the things I wasn't supposed to do and I did them anyway. The thing is: life is too damn short to be following these rules.

Meredith Grey:The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not.

Katie Bryce: My head is full. Dr.

Meredith Grey: It's called thinking. Go with it.

Dr. Meredith Grey: We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

Dr. Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

Dr. Cristina Yang: [about inviting Burke to Thanksgiving dinner] What was I supposed to do? Blow off my boyfriend for Thanksgiving?

[pause] Dr. Cristina Yang: I tried to. He wouldn't blow. He's like something sticky that won't blow off.

Dr. Derek Shepherd: So, who's next, Alex? He likes to sleep around... you two have that in common.
Dr. Meredith Grey: You don't get to call me a whore! When I met you, I thought I had met the person I would spend then rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues... who cared? Because I was done. You left me! You chose Addison! I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore!

Every title is some song name and every episode contains overwhelming quotes and unheard songs from various artists. How to save a life by fray, the quest by bryn Christopher, sunday by sia and soooo many more.

I cant tell 1 reason why not to see anatomy but I can give thousands of reasons why to watch it. aiwaii hii itna bada article likha hai…