Something Gotto Give

I m a rock.

I m hardcore.

I m Cristina.

I never wanted to leave Delhi. It was my birth place, my hometown. I was comfortable and now when I think about it, I often wonder what life would have been there. Shifting was like uprooting me from one place I belonged. Taking away everything - friends, school, people I knew, plans I had. I had never been alone in my life, now I knew what it felt like. The shell I had, closed on everyone and I just couldn’t adjust anywhere. I was bloody comfortable to notice how bounded I was and when the realization struck, I was in a mess. I landed in a school I hated, people I knew nothing about and place I couldn’t fit in. This is still my status. Fours years after bad schooling, I m still the same blocked person I was when I came here with just one minor change, its college this time.

My first day at school was horrifying. I was late, missed prayer, everyone was so weird and I was a stranger. And to top it all, my funny voice. People teased me back home of the peculiar sound that comes out of my esophagus when I speak. I hated it so much when I was the centre of attention when I spoke, laughed or sang. It made me all the more self conscious. (Now I just snap at anyone who dares to make fun of it, no matter who it is.) So, I didn’t make new friends, didn’t even talk to anyone much and it was atrocious enduring it all alone. The worst time was lunch. I just didn’t know what to do, where to go. But I guess people were nice enough to take me out and sit with me. I was still lonely and an outsider. I had never felt so abandoned. Next morning, I had to drag myself off the bed and I was nearly in tears till the time I got ready. How much I wished I was better dead but that phase passed, later I just wished for some disease. The nastiest part was I couldn’t discuss it with anyone. I was too stubborn to admit how troubled I was.

Things got better, I made friends eventually and school sucked a little less. Then came a time, when I was enjoying, which had never occurred to me as a possibility because I’d never thought of my life here less than miserable. I don’t regret relocating to Gurgaon. How can I when I got much more than I left behind? Life is good here.

School was done with, next stop was college. I had big hopes from my college life. You know you see in movies how high school is awful for some and college is like the dream come true? Yeah, mine was not the case. I really don’t like my college. I try to believe ‘I belong here’ but I m sinking. I don’t know what I hate about my college particularly but it doesn’t feel right; doesn’t feel me. I m compelling myself to give it another shot everyday just like school, trying to like it just like school, and wishing for a disease all the same. What goes around comes around; life goes full circles.

Memories fade, it’s a human thing. I can’t recall most of my old life. It just left me when I stopped thinking about it. That’s how you move on - when you stop caring about histories, present takes over and past is better off. I wish I could put yesterday behind and start over.

I m not a rock, I m not hardcore and I wish I was Cristina.

LET THE TRUTH STING

“Did I say that out loud?” I’ve been trying to learn when, where, what to say but I’m such a sucker at it. I might know that I shouldn’t but lying is bad, right? And sometimes truth is all we have. I feel guilty when I lie, I feel horrible when I tell the truth. What the hell is wrong with me? Why for the love of God I’m even talking? Can’t I just keep it to myself and not say anything for once? Shut the hell up. You just don’t say certain things.

It has always been like that. Since birth, I say things which get others in trouble. I did some pretty bizarre things when I was a kid. Once in a party someone asked one of my cousin where my mother was, she lied (yeah people lie all the time and teach us kids to tell the truth) saying she wasn’t home yet (my mother works). Me being me uttered that she was. Then we were asked some questions and I made it impossible for my cousin to lie conveniently. I was made fun of so much that day. Well we grow up and life teaches us how important it is to lie, not every time but yeah one should know when to use that technique. I guess I learned that but someone forgot to teach me when to just not say anything. I mean how can I be so careless when I speak? Once or twice I’ve got someone in serious mess by just making a conversation. Never have I lied in these scenarios but lying would have been better. No, keeping quiet would have been just perfect. But I can't do that, can I?

I know I mean no harm but its done who does it matter if it was intended or not? People get hurt then I feel ashamed and that bloody guilty conscious. People say that I m a nice person and how much I wish the opposite. I don’t want to be a good person if it means that I cant make mistakes and screw up sometimes. Only bad people have the right to rectify their mistakes, mistakes that good people aren’t allowed to commit in the first place.

Hell was full so I’m back!!!

Its Wednesday and I’m home again. Just finished an article and I have to write two more. Also one book report and one research. It’s raining work!!! I like it when people write my articles. I have got some great remarks from my teacher on my “flawless writing”. Feels awesome but I always take help. Some quotes I remember from a show or a book or some lines from a song and kind. And it makes me guilty that I steal words and work them up my way in my writing.

College is not-so-boring after all. Yeah it is a little slow but at least we are not over burdened like my other friends. At least we are not sleep deprived. The worst part of choosing a college so far is that I have to get up at 5.30 in the morning. That is the one thing I detest the most. Getting up early in the morning has never been my cup of tea. That’s the only reason I miss college so much. Early mornings make me sick. And then the bus journey of almost 1.5 hours. I m so glad I have my ipod and phone. Never been so thankful before. I read twilight and listen to songs all the while thanking my good kismet (it’s an English word. Seriously!!!). Another first time – reading three newspapers. We need to be aware of the happenings around the world and also be able to differentiate between different papers, their policies, target audience basically media analysis. It’s a media thing.

Our class is so exciting. Full of controversies. Its like everyday we have a “Breaking News”. I dont get much involved but everyone enjoys a little gossip. I m sure as I write here something interesting is going on there. Last week we were thrown out of the class because it was our formal day(2 days a week – Monday and Thursday) and girls didn’t have duppattas and guys were lacking ties. They are very strict about these rules. It was my first official bunk. We went to Crowne Plaza and spent the day at McD. Fun. And the other day, I boarded the wrong bus and landed up traveling in an auto to reach Maasi’s place. Fun again. But it’s not so fun when lectures are boring and you are alone in your free time. Not that I don’t like being alone, it’s just that people stare at you and think you are miserable. Its creepy.

I have been thinking to write for so long but all the free time I have, I spend it in reading twilight. Twilight is like air to me now. Cant go without reading or thinking about it. it’s the best series ever. I LUBH IT. Twilight nahi padhi toh kya padha?

Expected is just the beginning, unexpected is what changes our lives.

Seriously!!! It has been a while since I posted last. I m trying really hard to complete just one article but the time is not on my side. Sunday was a day of joys, cheers and full on masti. I had so much to write on but unfortunately my result came on Wednesday taking away all the ecstasy. It was so bloody bad. Then I thought may be I could pull my thoughts on my result and how angry and upset I was but what the hell that feeling also passed. It was gone with the wind. Everyone got my spirits up and yet again I wasn’t able to make use of my emotion. Damn!!!

Wow!!! I was in “aw” when I came back from Ambience on Sunday. It was such an awesome experience. It was the day of debut of my Table Tennis career. Let me make it clear, I play well(:D). And the food was fantastic. My friend’s mother makes the best sambhar chawal I have ever had. And then it was time for us to visit the mall. To be precise I had a blast, we all did. And I captured every single moment of the day. Cam in my phone sucks so had to borrow theirs and my friends were annoyed by my photography but I know now they must be thanking me. I SO ROCK!!! I did not even have a slightest clue that our result would come so soon and wash away all these wonderful memories. Ok I didn’t score well and it depressed me for days. It’s just a stupid, stupid exam. It cant decide and determine my capabilities. SCREW YOU. As MTV said, CBSE is Collective Bunch of Silly Examiners. They did upset me but I’m still confident of myself and I don’t need their evaluation for that. So again, SCREW YOU.

Before result, I made a small note in my phone on what I need to post this time. It had something I kept telling my friends. It was that I was not scared about the result and I should have been. I read somewhere once that its good to be scared as it means you have something to lose (yeah I dint read it was said by one of my grey’s anatomy character). I was very scared because I was not scared and I told the same to my friend just a night before and I was right. Well, what has happened has happened. The funny thing is I was supposed to compete with my genius brother (90 types) and after viewing my result I was like “What was I thinking?” I was naïve to envy him but he’s perfect and I might not accept it (I have a big ego) but somewhere deep deep down, I wanna be like him. He never talks rubbish, he is firm and everybody loves his “idealness”. I know he won’t read this blog so I can write without admitting it anyway. I know I sometimes say to myself that I hate him when he’s rude or doesn’t reply or dominate me but I don’t. he’s my brother and I know he is always there for me even if he don’t say it. I hope some day we’ll share the same relationship we had as kids.

So result is over and gone are the days of school. I am officially a high school pass out. Woopppiieee!!!! Congo to all those who are 12^th grads and if you dint get the expected result, remember God intended it and something great is gonna come up… that’s what everybody keep telling me. :D

Hey I’ve got 5 followers. Yiippiiee!!! But what do guys follow here? When I write rubbish, I get comments and when my posts are rational, people overlook them. HUH!!!

Change - Stepping From Old To New

I am going to complete my 18 years of life soon and I realized I don’t have a perfect day yet. I’ve bad days, better days, good days and great days but not a “perfect day”. There has not been a day I remember I was happy all day long without even one moment of worry or anger or distress or nightmares. I don’t have my perfect day. Or it’s possible that I don’t remember it. Either case, I need a “Perfect Day” to cherish all my life.

So much has changed since many last year’s posts. I m through with my boards, have grown a little wiser and I’m back on orkut. I don’t really know if it was a wise decision but what the hell there’s always a “Delete Account” option. I said in one of my posts that I would never miss my school, which holds false now. I think I'm gonna miss it pretty bad. Good or bad, I spent 4 years there. No one can forget their high school in particular. It shapes the real us. It makes us what we are and defines what we are gonna be.

Changes if we are talking about then Kis Desh also became one of my disappointment. Why god why???? Joey style. Joey, Joseph Tribianni from FRIENDS. Moving on, I think I'm more of myself now. A long back I promised myself I wouldn’t cry as I always believed tears make you weak. Be it any movie, situation or anything I would hold back. It didn't work and I couldn’t really keep it. Well, promises are meant to be broken. Intentionally or unintentionally, they roll down my eyes many times.Its okay to cry. No big deal. Actually, its better to let them flow. Feels better, trust me.

Also now I know what I am supposed to do. In life I mean. I finally have a “lakshaya” and I’m hoping I get a good college to make it through. There is a really long list of things that have changed but its better to keep it short. So winding up, the most important change is that I’m bigger person now. I believed in revenge seeking but now I think its better to let go and move on. Forgive and forget. Forgetting things is my forte and Meredith once said that without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal.

This is my first post for 2009. It should be perfect.