Prisoners of the War of the Sexes

God made man first, Adam. Then He thought the man needed a companion so Eve was sent to Earth to keep him company. Repeatedly, God warned Adam never to eat the forbidden fruit, that it was out of bounds – everything was his save for that one thing but Eve broke that rule and they were subjected to a life’s worth of punishment. The burden of that punishment, they say, we are carrying till today because Eve ruined it for the rest of humanity. Not that I have ever cared.

I have always seen women as victims. She is the one subjugated in the society; she is dominated; she is oppressed, harassed, tormented, thumbed under. Then someone reminded me that it was foolish to think they were not victimized by the society, that they were probably better off. I am under no misconception, I know 1 out of 2 women face domestic violence; almost all women are subjected to harassment and assault at some point in their life; many face irreparable damage to their mind, body and souls. But does it really justify the way I look at men? I consider them all vultures, waiting to prey on poor girls. Every guy is a prospective rapist, wife beater or molester – I see monster in each of them. May be many of us do.

Recently, I read a fairly long blog post of a man describing what it was like for him to stay in a country where girls thought he was a threat, where he couldn’t even look at a girl without everyone thinking he was assaulting her. A man asked a random girl out and spent hours in jail. His crime was simply asking someone out who was not interested and possibly not in the right frame of mind. She complained to someone, called the cops, her husband and father beat the alleged monster up and he was behind bars before he could say anything in his defense. I will be the last person to defend a guy, being a sexist myself, but this even shocked me.

The question I was left thinking was - what is happening to us? He didn’t touch her. He didn’t say anything remotely offensive. Hell, he didn’t even ask her the reason why she turned him down. He saw her, he asked her out for coffee, she refused and he left without a word (that’s the story I know and I believe him). We need to protect women in our country but what about the men? Who will protect them from such incidents? Someone has to take responsibility and that someone has to be you, me and us!

Be assertive, eloquent and levelheaded; stand up for yourself; break bones of the man who touches you; speak up when you should but draw a line somewhere. The line between assault and mere expression of speech is not that blurred – you can clearly see the difference. It is time to take accountability for our actions. There is too much power in our hands so we need to use it well. I have encountered girls who would ask a middle-age to relinquish his seat for them just because it is their right on that seat. I have witnessed incidents where women have been domineering and outright indecent. Just because you have power, don’t abuse it. And yes, you do have power – it is power that sent that man to jail, it is power that police didn’t even hear what he had to say, it is power that can ruin someone’s life and career.

As it was said to Harry Potter, use it well.

Not 'Just' A Girl

I dream of an India where mothers don’t teach daughters that they are responsible for maintaining their homes. I dream of an India where a girl gets to decide whether or not a she wishes to marry; where she can have an opinion; where she has the right to dream. I dream of an India where man is not the beast; where I can walk without fear; where I am not scared; where I can be myself without inviting acid attacks, rapes and reproach from the society.  

But it doesn’t exist. This does.

Mohan Bhagwat, RSS Chief: “Crimes against women happen in India and not in Bharat."

"Theory of contract, theory of social contract, a husband and wife are bound by a contract which says 'you (woman) look after the household chores and satisfy me, I (man) will take care of your needs and will protect you', and until she delivers her duties without fail, he keeps her on the contract and if she fails to honour the contract, he disowns her and if it is the same with the husband who is not honouring the contract, she can also abandon him and go for a new contract then."

Vijaywargiya, Minister, Madhya Pradesh: "Only when Sitaji crossed the Lakshman rekha, she was kidnapped by Ravan...If Sitaji (woman) crosses the Lakshman rekha, then 'Sitaharan' (crime against them) is bound to take place as Ravans are out there."

Abhijeet Mukherjee, Pranab Mukherjee’s son and MP: “I can see many beautiful women among them - highly dented-painted - they're giving interviews on TV, they've brought their children to show them the scenes. I have grave doubts whether they're students, because women of that age are generally not students."

Mulayam Singh Yadav, Former CM: "Only girls and women from affluent class can go forward. Remember this, you (rural women) will not get a chance. Our rural women did not have that much attraction."

Om Prakash Chautala, Former CM: “The Mughal sultanate in this country used to misbehave with women... to prevent that, people started getting their young girls married early so that no one did anything wrong to them… currently a similar situation is arising in the state.”

Dharamvir Goyat, Haryana Pradesh Congress committee (HPCC) member: "If we go into the details of rape cases and abductions, it is found that victims and accused in 90% of cases are runaway couples. So the cases are consensual."

Sheila Dixit, CM, Delhi: "All by herself till 3 am at night in a city where people believe...you know...you should not be so adventurous.''

Shushil Kumar Shinde, Home Minister (to Jaya Bachchan): "This is a serious matter. This is not the subject of a film."

Sharad Yadav, Janata Dal United: "Only certain women who lived in cities like Delhi and Lucknow would benefit who are nothing but "par kati auraten'' (women with short hair)."

Sanjay Nirupam, MP (to Smriti Irani): “Till recently you were shaking your hips on TV for money, and now suddenly you have become a political analyst.”

Muqtar Abbas Naqvi, Vice President, BJP: “Some women wearing lipstick and powder have taken to the streets in Mumbai and are abusing politicians and spreading dissatisfaction against democracy. This is what terrorists are doing in Jammu and Kashmir.”

Mamata Banerjee, CM, Kolkata: "Earlier if men and women would hold hands, they would get caught by parents and reprimanded but now everything is so open. It's like an open market with open options."

Sushma Swaraj, BJP: “Rape victims are living dead.”

Get A Life!

To begin with, I’d just like to thank TOI for making my week. Ever since they started their Get A Life campaign, I have been almost hopeful. Well done, guys! As a matter of fact, this post is completely for them.

Those who know me, know that I don’t want to live in this country. Above and beyond, the reason is the sick mentality of men who think we are sex objects living to give them pleasure. If my own experiences on the road were not enough, I found the scary neighbor – newspapers. I won’t even begin with all the rape stories I read in the newspapers but safe to say, it is all very disturbing. Do I want to live in the country where even 3 year olds get raped? Unlikely. So yes, the first chance I get, I’m out of here. There is no way to change mindset of the public who blames the victim; the ministers who say girls shouldn’t be wearing inappropriate clothes or getting out of the house after 8 pm. May be they should teach some values to men but eh, they have testosterone and that’s enough in this country. I was born unlucky; ergo I have to suffer.

All men may not think that way. But I can bet my life on this – most of them do. They may not grope women but they do pass comments, call them ‘maal’ and sing cheap songs. What is this Munni-Shiela anyway? Don’t we have enough problems that Bollywood is adding up more to the lot? Stop with these songs already. They are demeaning, derogatory and IDIOTIC! This is not artistic; this is simply being oblivious to the issues we are facing as a nation. Are you guys dense or something? Portray women as strong and independent, not as sex objects you morons!

What TOI is doing is a beginning. If all the newspapers pick up the cause, people might wake up! They just might. May be then we will feel safe in this country. 

SMS-less Citizen of the Country

Yes, I am really upset with the recent ban on SMS but not for the reasons you might think. I have no problem with restriction on SMSes but all I need is a valid explanation. The first two days, I was under the misconception that may be networks didn't quite understand the ban imposed by the government and I spent so much time trying to make them. Later, I found out it was the collective decision of the network operators. Then why couldn't they just say so? I did ask a number of times.

As customers, it is my right to demand an explanation. When it was clearly state in newspaper reports that bulk SMSes were banned, they couldn't just make their own rules, could they? Many simple ignored me, newspapers and news channels included, and others quoted the same thing again and again. I am not an idiot - I get it that you have been instructed by the government to impose the ban but it was supposed to be on bulk SMSes. I just want to know what exactly is it? Did you not get it right or were the newspapers misinterpreted things? If TRAI changed the rule, could you not simply say so rather than going in circles when I'm asking such a simple question. 

I really like Vodafone, I honestly do but this was just not done. Goes to show that there is no transparency in this country. Anyone can do anything while we are left shouting and screaming which they "censor" as per their whims and fancies. 

No, I'm not some teenager fretting about the ban because I have to text my friends or perhaps boyfriend. I'm a citizen of this country who has been robbed off her constitutional rights; a citizen who no one is ready to give answers to. 

Conversation with Vodafone on Facebook

Let. It. Go.

A little less than a year ago, I was reading blogs related to deaths – how the people who get left behind feel and cope with it, if it is painful for them to talk about it and whether the victims go through the 5 stages of grief. Months later standing at those crossroads, facing two deaths in a row, I’m not sure if I’m ready to answer it.

It is different for everybody, as much as I’ve seen these past few months. Some people cry their eyes out, make certain everyone around knows how painful the loss is and others, like me, block it all out, put on a happy face and refuse to think about it. It’s no pretence. There is no feeling inside, nothing to cry about, nothing to fight, no emotion at all. Everything is fine. It is just that when you say it out loud you’re called insensitive or perhaps, heartless. The “appropriate” emotion would be sadness, grief, resentment and if you’re not experiencing that, you are abnormal; something is really wrong with you! I know this is what I came to be known as – cold. What I would have suggested as the right word is numb. Incapable of feeling anything. It wears off, the numbness, the denial but not as quickly as others would have liked but it does. Taking tiny steps, it moves away from you and leaves a little hole inside. When it happened to me, only thought I had was “What do I do now?”

If you’re not miserable, be sure people will make you – with their talks, with their actions and even with their looks. You’re not supposed to be okay. Anything but fine. Cry. Yell. Do something crazy. Sit in the corner and don’t talk to anyone. Maintain a face that shouts ‘I JUST LOST SOMEONE’. Do anything other than that and they’ll eat you up alive. And then there’s guilt – ‘why am I not as wretched as others? Why am I over it so soon?’ You’re not; it has just started.

The Nile. My brain represses bad memories – anything that causes me tit bit of pain is blackened, forgotten, engulfed by the black hole. It gives me a chance to fully analyse the situation. It gives me a chance to deal with it one step at a time. ‘No need to make haste. You’ll deal with it when you deal with it’, it says. He’s not asking my permission or waiting for me to nod in approval – he is doing it in his way and not letting me know. My protective brain wants what’s best for me and he doesn’t care what anyone else makes of it. Sadly, I do. May be it is cowardice; may be it is a weakness; may be its apprehension; may be it is just how your system works. Period. I will get there, to the point where I’ll accept what’s happening but today is not the time. It will tell me on its own; I’m counting on it too. Someday, I will be fully aware of what I’ve lost. Why, is another story.

It is different for everybody but not everything is different. You can either believe that you don’t react like others or make yourself believe that you don’t react well. I chose the latter one and then the guilt was too much to handle. Surely, someone needs more than that – that someone who is not there anymore would want you to remember him, would want you to shed a few tears and not be all smiles. That someone deserves more and you should give him that acknowledgment that you care he’s gone. That someone needs to know you miss him. That someone should be certain that you will remember him always and never let him vanish off the earth. But he should also know that you are mourning in your own way. This is who you are and nothing can change this about you. Regardless to what people deem appropriate, you are coping with the loss, you are feeling the burden of the death. It might not show but he should know this – it is all there in the heart. One day, the leash would restrain it no longer and you’d be ready to unwind. Just because you are not making a public display of your misery doesn't mean the affection is lost.

View From The Top

As above, so below.

Looking out from my window, I saw two scenes today. The bright, glowing sky full of shiny fireworks, the pretty view one always encounters on Diwali and the second scene was a father and son duo praying to God partly in, partly outside their hut, shivering in cold. Their undying faith shook my convictions – there are people who are so miserable so why isn’t their God descending to wrap a blanket around them? Playing favorites, are we God? Well, your sky is all bright and beautiful; may be its time to look at those beneath that colorful mirage. Should they expect you in the near future or optimistically wait till they die of hunger like million others?

Surprisingly, this is not even surprising anymore. 

I am the Present!

I am the Present. They tell me I am a gift because I bestow people life. My brother, Past, acquainted me with this world; he enlightened me about the history of our ancestors, their miseries, inhibitions and the immunity granted by the Lord. And my other brother, Future, explained to me that it is not all set in stone; everything depends on the choices people make. So, I stepped into the world believing I understand it all but boy, was I wrong! There is so much to witness, to discover, to learn, to experience, and to endeavor; I am the Present and this is my realm.

I gazed around and observed everything but it got me more baffled. So, I decided to question around; I inquired about one thing and got inquisitive about the other; they answered one query and I thought of a thousand more. Soon I realized that not everything has a definite answer – some things you need to feel, to believe, to sense. Although I met all kinds of people –good and bad, devils and angels, white and black, I could never find out the why they were what they were. Why is there so much hatred? Why are they so similar yet different? How can God create so much happiness and then deprive people of it? What triggers their action; how is their fate decided; how they are differentiated against? I know not if I will ever get answer but I wonder…

Like many, I dream a dream, hopeful of a better tomorrow. Past is gone, Future is yet to come which leaves just me, Present. Regardless to the bad, oblivious to the worse, I will make the choices and dictate the future because I am the liaison between the mistakes of the past and prospect of tomorrow. I am the Present and this is my interim era.